Fallible Fathers

My father was the oldest of four children.

I've posted before (before I deleted the blog that is) about the differences between oldest children, and the youngest. Dad was definitely an oldest type. I loved him to death, when I was a pre-schooler, I used to follow him around and imitate him.

He had an "oldest" mindset. There was that calm assurance of his own infallibility, the inability to easily see another point of view...

He was better than most, partly because the free-thinking 60's happened while they were raising kids and watching with alarm what was going on in Vietnam while their kids were approaching draft age. He truly tried to be open minded, and did well for a man raised to admire Bing Crosby.

But, I was a youngest. A lot of us are (by oldest standards) more free thinking, odder, more off-the-wall, and lets face it... Irresponsible (at least at a young age.)

He was ill equipped to handle me. Between his "oldest" mindset, and his 50's upbringing in which the answer to child-rearing problems was just "more discipline", he was pretty much at a loss.

I remember some things that would be called flat child abuse these days, but even then I understood that he loved me and that these incidents happened out of his desperation.

I (of course) blamed myself for everything, that's what "youngest" and introspective types do.

It all worked out, but it took a LONG time for him to understand, for me to stop blaming myself, for him to find different ways, for me to learn how to tell him what I needed to in the proper manner...

All that stuff.

He was fallible, and he tried his best.

I remember I was in college before I ever overheard a conversation between him and Mom that told me he liked me. (I knew he loved me, "like" is a different thing)

My girlfriend has a 13 year old son that is a lot like I was in some ways.

I'm better at handling it than Dad was, but largely because I know what didn't work with me.